I attempted to take the most (terrible) advice of “disconnecting my heart, and using my head (just to get through this)” , this might work for some, and it might work some of the time, but this is not appropriate advice to give to anyone in a school (college) setting. This advice reminded me of something that I couldn’t put my finger on, and I spent an entire weekend trying to wrap my head around it-it finally hit me in U.S. History yesterday, as I was watching a biased, one-sided account of the Lewis & Clark expedition; it’s advice you’d give to someone in survival mode, not someone who is committed to the learning process. And maybe that’s just my opinion, but I really don’t see how you can pull anything of value out of disconnecting your heart, and just using your head. That’s how you get through something, you survive it. I attach that to a negative experience, and I want to feel that my time in this college setting is positive, it’s worth the efforts, it’s worth the career change, it’s something to be proud of, to be embraced by. I cannot disconnect my heart and do anything. I’m not built that way, that feels like a cop out, like something you’d say when you’re just giving on the fly advice in a half-assed manner and don’t have time, don’t care, or are completely incapable of trying to empathize with the person who is confiding in you…
“Disconnect your heart”, that is not something I am capable of doing right now, and in this situation. I’m too old for doing anything without my heart. If you’re not going to have your heart and head fully invested in what you’re doing, then you might as well not be doing it. Life is far too short to invest in anything that is not deserving of your passion, commitment, and heart. It also lends to the belief that emotion, feeling, and having some deeper connection are weak and have no place in the learning process, and what can you gain by taking that approach?
I’ve spent so much time trying to connect my heart and my head that I would be taking ten steps back and doing myself, my teachers, my future clients, and my children a great injustice. If there is something I don’t understand, I will ask for help. If there is something I disagree with, I will raise question and concern, and I will learn every lesson that is set before me, and I need my heart, just as much as I need my head. I’m not in survival mode, I’m a student, and I have my heart connected, along with my head. I’ve always been a student, I will always be a student, and any good teacher would say the same thing.
I also talked to my oncologist and I have to agree with his thought process, that if I disconnect my heart with anything, I run the risk of losing hope in everything. And I cannot afford to lost this battle against cancer. I have been second guessing myself in my treatment approach…I really need a vacation and to just sit with the ocean and the mountains. I need an escape from people, from influence, from advice, and just be, I just need to exist in myself, and by myself.
Poetry has really helped sort and compartmentalize my heart matters and hush my overthinking thoughts, well poetry and music. I wrote A Crash Course last year, and was planning on adding it to a collection of poetry, but I’m not sure. I have just over 100 poems for a new project, mostly related to death and dying…and the philosophies of death and dying, from an educational perspective. So, vacation time in 2 days and I am NOT disconnecting my heart. Boom.