As Children

As Children by Sarah Perrote

Countless blessings fall off of my tongue,
I try to stop them, but sincerity reigns supreme.
And sometimes, in a weak moment of humanity
My lips will birth curses to spit at you.
Guilt finds its way home,
In through my bloodstream, and
I fall back, calling upon a god
Who has yet to respond.
Loving words of conquer
Echo in my heart, like a drum.
Bass and blasphemy pound memories into my dreamscapes
Bitter and jaded pave paths and I’m left with…
Nothing.
We were unconditional,
As children we vowed
To live less like the mistakes that made us.
But sometimes we fall into our gene pools,
Like mirrors, reflecting the darkest depths of matter
Pasts full of doom and gloom fuss with, and
Tangle in our mood.
I tried to evoke anger, to guide my heart home,
But the heart strings that lift me,
Like a puppet caught in your truths.
My goodness found your flaws most desirable.
Leading countless blessings to fall off of my tongue.
And sometimes I try to stop them,
As if I have a choice, but sincerity reigns supreme.
As children we had vowed
To be less like the mistakes that made us,
Which makes the anger I house, pour from open wounds,
I find beauty in your broken promises,
Solace in the humanness that is you.
And sometimes, in a weak moment of my humanity,
My lips birth curses to spit at you,
I choke them back, like bile rising,
And just remind myself to feel happy
For you.

Originally posted at All Poetry, in link below.
ghosts

Contemplating

separated spite from feeling,
raised hell for disconnecting
heart from head,
sheltered the tattered and torn
covered with welcome warmth.
created and shaped
momentous, magic,
cupped with the palms of our hands.
drown by white noise
sun dog down
halos resting on the horizon,
and we have everyone to blame.
we’re caught up in being so alive,
we’re dead set on being here…
contemplating our own essence.

am i just an accident?



Drive Slow


“do you think we miss this life after we leave it?”

i don’t know, i don’t ever remember dying.

“you’re driving too fast.”

i’m going five miles under the speedlimit.

“let’s slow down and enjoy the ride.”

we have spent years
lost in translation,
worrying that we may
never be understood.
emotionally connected
to the stories you’ve told,
retold, held close
retelling, shape shifting,
tongue tied and risking it all
just to speak some volume of the truth, to you.

Our People

he said, “oh, i studied your people in college.”

and i replied, “oh? right on! i’ve studied white people my entire life.”

and then i told myself, i am wrong. 

i need to be more tolerant, i am not being fair. but i am being fair, i need to stop tolerating this, i need to speak up, we all do. we all need to find our voices, not just me. our language needs to change, along with our discussions and common conversations, it’s also time to take action on these changes we have previously dropped the ball on. we need to act on things, create a unified people. we should have done that a couple hundred years ago. if you wanna move mountains, start where you stand. think global, act local-even if that means supporting an already established movement/cause.

OUR PEOPLE…declare war
then fall back
avoid enemy lines
feels like fire
feels like flame
escapes your hold
searches for loopholes
common ground, greener grass
fresher fields
pressure to feel
archetype worthy
misses the mark
accusations made
insatiable, to say the least
embraces precocious tendencies
quenchless thirst
embers burns, falls in love with
everything but you.
constellations cease
and there’s no return
negotiations failed
filled with empty
void insists
pressure to revolt persists
pressed for time
eases up
moves away
rebellious nature pushes back
press fingertips to lips
to hush you, to shake you.
to make you move
from your plot
back to Mother’s land.

A Crash Course

I attempted to take the most (terrible) advice of “disconnecting my heart, and using my head (just to get through this)” , this might work for some, and it might work some of the time, but this is not appropriate advice to give to anyone in a school (college) setting. This advice reminded me of something that I couldn’t put my finger on, and I spent an entire weekend trying to wrap my head around it-it finally hit me in U.S. History yesterday, as I was watching a biased, one-sided account of the Lewis & Clark expedition; it’s advice you’d give to someone in survival mode, not someone who is committed to the learning process. And maybe that’s just my opinion, but I really don’t see how you can pull anything of value out of disconnecting your heart, and just using your head. That’s how you get through something, you survive it. I attach that to a negative experience, and I want to feel that my time in this college setting is positive, it’s worth the efforts, it’s worth the career change, it’s something to be proud of, to be embraced by. I cannot disconnect my heart and do anything. I’m not built that way, that feels like a cop out, like something you’d say when you’re just giving on the fly advice in a half-assed manner and don’t have time, don’t care, or are completely incapable of trying to empathize with the person who is confiding in you…

“Disconnect your heart”, that is not something I am capable of doing right now, and in this situation. I’m too old for doing anything without my heart. If you’re not going to have your heart and head fully invested in what you’re doing, then you might as well not be doing it. Life is far too short to invest in anything that is not deserving of your passion, commitment, and heart. It also lends to the belief that emotion, feeling, and having some deeper connection are weak and have no place in the learning process, and what can you gain by taking that approach?

I’ve spent so much time trying to connect my heart and my head that I would be taking ten steps back and doing myself, my teachers, my future clients, and my children a great injustice. If there is something I don’t understand, I will ask for help. If there is something I disagree with, I will raise question and concern, and I will learn every lesson that is set before me, and I need my heart, just as much as I need my head. I’m not in survival mode, I’m a student, and I have my heart connected, along with my head. I’ve always been a student, I will always be a student, and any good teacher would say the same thing.

I also talked to my oncologist and I have to agree with his thought process, that if I disconnect my heart with anything, I run the risk of losing hope in everything. And I cannot afford to lost this battle against cancer. I have been second guessing myself in my treatment approach…I really need a vacation and to just sit with the ocean and the mountains. I need an escape from people, from influence, from advice, and just be, I just need to exist in myself, and by myself.

Poetry has really helped sort and compartmentalize my heart matters and hush my overthinking thoughts, well poetry and music. I wrote A Crash Course last year, and was planning on adding it to a collection of poetry, but I’m not sure. I have just over 100 poems for a new project, mostly related to death and dying…and the philosophies of death and dying, from an educational perspective. So, vacation time in 2 days and I am NOT disconnecting my heart. Boom.

Intent

there was an appropriate amount of violence placed on the tip of my tongue,

wanting to push itself into your lips, to touch your teeth, to press itself against your being.

my intentions should be taken into consideration, question my intentions, then forgive me for my honesties.

i have become most faithful in my search for believing in what i cannot see, this is why you should always be wary of people like me.